The child’s best interests are the starting point
Swedish family law is based on the principle of the child’s best interests under the Swedish Children and Parents Code. This means that the court must always start with what is best for your child, rather than what feels fairest to you as parents. Your child’s wishes are an important factor in that assessment, but never the sole determining factor.
Age and maturity affect the child’s influence
There is therefore no fixed age in Swedish law at which your child suddenly gains the right to decide matters of custody, residence or contact for themselves. However, the older and more mature your child is, the greater the weight given to their views. In practice, an older child’s wishes can carry considerable weight, particularly if the child appears independent and consistent in their views. Even then, however, it is still the court that makes the decision.
In practice, younger children’s wishes are often assessed more cautiously because young children are more susceptible to emotional influence. Children often want to protect their parents and may say what they think a parent needs to hear. The court therefore tries to understand not only what your child says, but why they say it.
As children grow older, particularly during their teenage years, their own wishes become harder to disregard. In practice, it can be very difficult to compel a fifteen- or sixteen-year-old to comply with particular living or contact arrangements if they strongly object. Courts recognise that older teenagers have a developed sense of identity and a greater need for autonomy. However, this does not mean that the court automatically accepts everything your child says. If there is a suspicion of strong influence from a parent, or if the child’s resistance is not considered to be based on their own experiences, a more detailed assessment is made.
The child’s conflict of loyalties
An important psychological aspect is that children involved in custody disputes almost always experience a conflict of loyalties, even when they do not understand it themselves. Children generally love both parents and do not want to hurt either of them. As a result, they often adapt what they say to the situation. A child may say one thing to their mother, another to their father and something entirely different to the local authority’s family law service. This does not necessarily mean that the child is lying. Often, the child is simply trying to cope with an emotionally stressful situation.
This is also why courts are cautious about placing too much responsibility on your child. Your child should not have to feel personally responsible for “rejecting” a parent. Feeling that their words could change the entire family situation places a very heavy psychological burden on a child.
Conversations and an overall assessment
During custody investigations, the local authority’s family law service therefore seeks to arrange conversations in which your child can express themselves freely without feeling under pressure. The approach depends on your child’s age and maturity. Young children often express themselves through play, stories or indirect signals, while older children can have more direct conversations about their feelings and wishes.
This involves an overall assessment. The court considers not only what your child says, but also:
- Your child’s relationship with both parents.
- Your child’s mental wellbeing.
- The stability of your child’s everyday life.
- Whether there is a risk of harm to your child.
When the child does not want contact
The situation is particularly complex when it comes to contact, meaning the child’s arrangements for seeing or otherwise keeping in touch with a parent. Many people believe that you can “force” your child to see the other parent, but in practice this is difficult, particularly with older children. Swedish law does not envisage children being forcibly collected except in the most extreme circumstances. The court can order contact, but if an older child consistently refuses, it is often difficult to put those arrangements into practice.
The reason for the refusal becomes central here. If your child does not want to see a parent because of fear, previous conflicts or negative experiences, the situation is assessed differently from one in which influence by the other parent is suspected. This is why courts and those conducting custody investigations try to understand the dynamics behind your child’s resistance.
The child’s right to be heard
Another important aspect is your child’s right to be heard under both Swedish law and the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which has been incorporated into Swedish law since 2020. Children have the right to express their views on matters affecting them, and those views must be given weight according to their age and maturity. However, children are not responsible for the decision. That is an important distinction.
Your responsibility as parents to protect your child
In some custody disputes, the child also begins to identify strongly with one parent’s feelings. Your child may feel a need to protect a sad or hurt parent and may then begin to distance themselves from the other parent to reduce conflict at home. This sometimes happens entirely unconsciously and is one reason why children’s statements must always be analysed carefully.
Courts therefore pay close attention to each parent’s ability to protect the child from the conflict. If you actively involve your child in the conflict between adults, you may be assessed as less suitable in terms of your ability to care for your child, because this puts your child at risk of psychological strain and a conflict of loyalties.
Your child should be allowed to be a child
The most important point to understand is that your child’s voice matters, but your child should never bear responsibility for the outcome. The underlying purpose of the whole system is to allow your child to be a child, even when you as parents are facing one of the most difficult conflicts of your lives.