The child’s needs come first
The court always starts with what your child needs for their well-being and secure development over the long term. In the vast majority of cases, children need close, functioning relationships with both parents, even after separation. Courts and municipal family law services therefore normally try to find arrangements that maintain the child’s contact with both parents, provided this is consistent with the child’s best interests.
Why contact disputes arise
Many contact disputes arise when parents can no longer work together. You may feel that contact is being restricted or obstructed, while the other parent may be concerned about your child’s safety and security. Often, the conflict is really about the relationship between the adults and the difficulty of separating it from the child’s needs.
For one parent, limited contact can feel like losing their child; for the other, anxiety or mistrust can create a sense that the child needs protection. The child then finds themselves caught between two adults who are both convinced that they are doing the right thing.
No standard solution
Contact arrangements must be tailored to your child’s age, maturity, relationship with each parent and particular circumstances. In some families, extensive contact works well, for example several days a week and every other weekend, or alternating residence, where the child lives with each parent in turn. However, this often requires you and the other parent to communicate reasonably well and protect your child from conflict.
Clear schedules in high-conflict situations
Where conflict is high, contact arrangements are often set out in greater detail to reduce the risk of further disputes, for example:
- Exact collection and drop-off times
- How school holidays and festive occasions are divided
- How you and the other parent should communicate about your child
Obstruction of contact
Obstruction of contact occurs when a parent, consciously or unconsciously, undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent – through direct barriers or more subtle influence that makes the child feel anxious, guilty or resistant to contact. Courts take this seriously because it can expose the child to intense conflicts of loyalty. One of the most important questions in many cases is which parent is best able to support the child’s relationship with the other parent.
When contact needs to be restricted
Sometimes contact needs to be restricted or adapted because of risks, such as violence, threats, substance misuse or mental ill health. The court may then order supervised contact or contact with the assistance of a support person, or direct that contact be built up gradually if it has been limited for a long time.
The court almost always seeks a balance: clear reasons are usually required to stop contact altogether, but your child’s safety and security must never be put at risk.
Stability and self-control carry considerable weight
The court does not look at who ‘wants it most’ or expresses the strongest emotions, but at stability and self-control: how you and the other parent communicate, how you handle conflict, and whether you protect your child from adult problems or draw them in through comments, influence or pressure to take sides. A parent who comes across as calm, willing to cooperate and focused on the child is often seen as more credible.
Contact arrangements may need to change over time
Children change, needs change and relationships develop. Contact arrangements that work for a young child are not always right for an older child, and you may need to adjust them. At its heart, contact is about your child’s right to security, stability and functioning relationships.