When conflict takes over
It usually begins with frustration, disappointment or a sense that you have been treated unfairly. But the longer the conflict continues, the more likely it is that your communication, thoughts and energy will revolve around fighting the other parent rather than actually providing security for your child.
This is something that both family law services – the local authority service dealing with family law matters – and the court pick up on very quickly.
How family law services view this
In many cases, a parent attends meetings and talks almost exclusively about the other party’s shortcomings. Every question about the child leads back to criticism, accusations or past conflicts. You may want to show how difficult the other person has made the situation, but this can sometimes have the opposite effect. Instead, the investigating officer begins to wonder whether the conflict has become more important than your child’s need for calm and stability.
When your child is drawn into the conflict
What often damages your credibility as a parent is drawing your child into the conflict, whether consciously or unconsciously. This can involve small things whose significance many people underestimate:
- Comments at home about the other parent
- Sighing when the other parent is mentioned
- Asking your child what was said at the other parent’s home
- Your child feeling responsible for ‘choosing sides’
Children are loyal to both parents
Children are extremely loyal to their parents and often pick up on conflict far more than adults realise. When your child begins to carry the burden of your frustration or anxiety, it affects their psychological wellbeing, and courts take this very seriously.
The court is not looking for the perfect parent
There is no such thing as the perfect parent. The court considers which parent can best protect the child from the conflict. If you can remain calm despite provocation, communicate maturely and continue to focus on your child’s needs, you will almost always appear to be in a stronger legal position than a parent who reacts impulsively or allows the conflict to take over everyday life.
Many parents believe that intense anger or forceful accusations demonstrate commitment and love for their child. In reality, these can sometimes be perceived as the opposite. When you become so preoccupied with winning against the other party that your child ends up in the middle of the conflict, both family law services and the court begin to question your ability to cooperate, your stability and your focus on your child.
Your communication affects the assessment
It is also common to underestimate how your communication affects the assessment. Text messages written in the heat of the moment, aggressive emails or repeated accusations can, over time, create an impression that you are driven more by conflict than by care for your child.
In child custody proceedings, the person who shouts the loudest often does not appear to have the strongest position. It is usually the parent who manages to remain consistent, calm and focused on their child, even under considerable pressure.
The overall impression over time is decisive
In practice, many child custody cases are decided not by a single incident but by the overall impression formed over time. The court seeks to understand who can provide the greatest security for the child in the long term. That security depends very much on your ability to put your child’s needs before your own conflict with the other parent.